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Ramblings...

          It's been what? 3 years since I posted last? Things are different than they used to be, but all together, the same as they ever were. If that makes sense. I'm sitting at my computer, naked, collared, black and blued ass and chained to my lead. Master is asleep. I have been in tears for the last few days, but I'll get to that later.
  
          Master and I are revisiting our M/s, trying to find a happy medium between the faces we have to put on for the world and what we really want our relationship to be.  Most of our friends know about and accept our relationship for what it is. Our family, mine mostly, no, make that my family only, have no clue. At least, I don't discus it with them. If they do know, they think we are odd, or have some kind of issue with it. I mean really, whats the difference between my collar and the fucking TATTOO on my mothers ass that says "Property of (blank)"? *grumbles and curses at the thought of her and leaves that for another post*

        Anyway, like I said we have been trying to figure out where we want to go with it. He has been taking a firmer hand with me again. Which, I will admit, I need. I don't want to be just a "service slave" anymore, with the occasional rough sex thrown in.I want, rather need, to be fully under his control. All aspects of my life in his hand. Only thing that I want on an even level would be the children. And honestly, I'm not even sure about that right now. I'm ready to hand it all over to him to do as he pleases. Yeah, when he gave me his collar, I should have been ready then, and I thought I was. But I fought it. I fought it to the point, that he had given up and let me do what I wanted.Using me when he felt like it. While I still did the day to day things like making his lunch, cooking and what not, I wasn't serving him like I now -know- I want to..

     I know things can't be completely how we want them. We do still have kids at home after all. I think the only thing that I couldn't handle being told/asking to do, is to go to the bathroom. I have some issues in the bladder department that just don't allow me to wait very long. Whatever he decides, I'm ready to give it to him, no matter what it is.

     Back to the crying for the last few days. Mater and I play a game called Second life. He has been playing for  a few years, I on the other hand have only been playing maybe close to two years. If you don't know what it is, it's a role playing game. You make an avatar and you meet people basically. Whatever you are into, SL has it. From BDSM to vampires and zombies. You get to be someone that you aren't for a while. Escape form the real world and have some fun with people you may or may not ever talk to again. Hell some of the avatars look close to real. But sometimes, just sometimes you get to know people. You talk outside of the role play , you laugh and joke, you share things. Sometimes, you even call each other or talk on skype, or whatever you chose to communicate with. And sometimes? You even find yourself making some damn good friends. Even to the point of having feelings for one that you know you shouldn't have, and even as you try to fight it, you end up falling for that person and go to see them for a week across the country.

     Let me back peddle a bit, without going into too much detail. My Master, like I said has been playing SL for years before I got into it. He was "married" to someone on there in one of the sims. While the marriage was not real, his feelings for her, turned out to be very real and I watched his heart break when she suddenly decided to up and leave one day. Now, I'm pretty much going through the same thing. Only, I have actually met the person on the other side of the avatar. I have touched him, inhaled his scent, slept next to him and fucked him six ways till Sunday. Yes, Master knows. No scolding me about all that. We do have an open relationship, as long as he knows and approves of the person, it's all good.

    Now, I know we are 3,000 mile away from each other, far from an ideal situation to have a relationship, but my feelings for him are real none the less. Lately, he has been, at least it feels this way to me, pulling away. He's all but stopped talking to me unless I start the conversation. I know he has been having issues and that his life is upside down right now. But even that I had to pry out of him. The feeling of him pulling away has been going on for the last 6 months. His issues are recent. I have done my best at least till recently to try and not make it a big deal. I am supposed to go out there again in April, I'm not so sure that is going to happen now. It's killing me, feeling like this. I know Master understands how I feel, at least I hope he does.

     The worst part of it, is that I should be perfectly content with just Master and that's fucking with my head as well. I am, in love with him and would do anything in the world for him. I hope he knows that. This whole thing is unfair to him, watching me cry my eyes out over another guy. I didn't mean for this to happen I honestly didn't.

     There are other reasons for my crying, though why so much I'm not honestly sure of. Maybe it's just everything coming to a head all at once. Maybe, I'm in need of something that I can't name right now. Maybe, I just don't know and just need to cry. I'm sure it will stop and the things in my head will straighten out and make sense. Or I'm just crazy, who knows.

*goes onto the next topic*


     One of the sites that we have ordered from several times before had a security breach on their shopping cart check out. Hundreds of account, debit and credit card numbers were stolen, Masters card number,included apparently. We thought we were in the clear since it had happened a month ago. Sunday night we found out otherwise. There was a 172.90$ charge pending on our account, from an online flower shop of all things that neither of us had made.The bank was called, a new card ordered and much swearing occurred. From looking at our account now, the charge has fallen off and strangely a few things that were supposed to go through that were purchases made on my card and not Masters. I guess we'll see what happens.

    My kids, are now 11 and 13. Let me just say that I hate the ages of 11. They turn from sweet helpful children to back talking, mouthy argumentative brats! My oldest and their half brother did the same thing. 13 though, is not much better. I am not loving having a teenager.

    Masters job has been making him have a revolving schedule. Swing, is okay, he misses a few things during the week but he's home at night and we get to sleep till 11 am before he has to go back. Day shift, is okay, he's home at night, doesn't miss so much but we have to get up at 5 am. Grave shift though, I didn't think we would survive it. It was only for 2 weeks, but it felt like an eternity. I didn't sleep the entire time. I can't sleep when he is not home at night. During the day, sure no problem, but at night, not so much. Only, when he is on grave shifts, I have to be up with the kids to keep them quiet. Telling an 11 year old to be quiet in the middle of the day and keeping him that way is impossible. His brother was no help either. Plus he misses EVERYTHING, even on his days off he didn't want to do anything because he had to stay on that schedule to be able to function the next week. He's on days right now. At least for the next month. We'll see what he gets after that. I just know that graves don't work for a family setting.

   Okay enough prattling, I should be in bed. I hope some of this makes sense, I haven't slept yet. Night all.


   
  Master has been spoiling me lately.

Sex and sappiness!Collapse )

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  I need to get out. WE need to get out. I am so tire of sitting in this house. The kids are driving me nuts,the dog, the neighbors, everything.

  The past couple of weeks my cousin has been staying the night here. That in it self wouldn't be a problem but he tends to show up unannounced. On top of that, he does it when I am at work. When I get home from work I don't want to socialize. I want to sleep! Especially on Monday nights and WELL into the next day. When he's here I can't do that. Then, after he leaves I have to redo everything that he helped with. I appreciate that he wants to help clean and stuff when he is here but it is something that really bugs the shit out of me. I don't even like my mother cleaning my house. Everyone has their own way of doing things and none of them do it the way I do it! So, after he leaves I have to go through and put the dishes away where I put them, UNfold my clothes ( I hang all our shirts and someone else going through my clothes is a whole nother rant), put away random things that aren't where they are supposed to be, go through the kids room and put it back together, etc, etc, etc....... I love the fact that he wants to be a part of our lives. Not too many people in our family really talk to each other anymore. He just needs to pick a different day and stop trying to help!

  Master and I had a little bit of a fight the other day. We don't fight often so when we do no matter how small the issue it's a big deal. It was on Tuesday and we were lying in bed and he told me that he was going to stay home and help me through the day because I was really really sore from work and my cousin was here. I made some snide remark and asked him "What? You gonna sit and stare at the computer all day?". He got mad and left for work anyway. All I could do was lie there and cry. I felt horrible as it was and now I was alone too.

  See, Master's new addiction is Second Life. There is a RPG group on there that he belongs to and he really gets into it. I don't mind that he is on there. I'm not the jealous wife that can't stand her husband talking to other women, so, I don't mind that he does. As a matter of fact I like it when he makes new friends (RL or on line). What I guess I mind is that he is on there for hours at a time. I guess I was feeling ignored and I'm not used to that. I am fortunate enough to be one of the very few people in our group of friends that doesn't have a constant complaint about her husband being an asshole or something, for that I should be grateful for. And besides, what Master wants Master gets. Right?

  Today I am fighting with the children, again. Over chores, again. It's the same fight everyday. I don't see why they don't get it yet. It's simple. When they come home from school they are to get a snack (not the full blown meal they always try to get), do their chores, do their homework, then they can play. Simple right? Wrong. Today after telling my oldest to do the dishes for 2 hours, he tells me that the hamster's cage was in his way and he couldn't do them. WTF? Is the cage so heavy that he couldn't move it out of his way? I don't think so! So, for being a lazy little shit he got himself grounded. Tonight and tomorrow. 

  I don't feel like playing anymore. Can someone else take over for awhile?

  Like I said in the beginning of this. I really think we need to get out of the house.

 

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  I guess I should post, it has been 3 weeks.

  Last night Master and I had a date night. His sister took the boys for us and we went out to dinner. We haven't had any time alone together since my mother threw her fit. We tried to go to a couple of the nicer restaurants but as it was a Friday night everywhere was pace so we ended up at Shari's. We actually had really good food there too. Our steaks were perfect and the service was great for a change. The waitress earned herself a 10$ tip for it too.

  After that, we went to Toy's R US and got my youngest son his birthday presents. He's turning 8 on the 4th of next month. *sobs* Master of course had to buy himself a toy too. He picked up Megatron and when I looked at the price tag I cringed, but when he started pushing the buttons and it cackled evilly at me, I was sold. I mean really? How many giant robot toys do you know that have an evil cackle? He had to get it. We hit Target and then Castles. We didn't get any toys there but we did get a book called "Erotic Slavehood" by Christina Abernathy. Master read half of it last night and said that it was really good. Apparently it is two books in one. The first half is a manuel for Doms and the second is like a workbook for subs. I'll have to let you know how it is when I am done.

  When we went to get the kids we sat and talked to Masters sister for a bit. I love her. She is a very funny person and she always makes us laugh. Master and her together in the same room is even more fun as they always have some funny conversations when they are together. She taught my oldest  how to make bacon last night, so he made dinner for everyone there. My SIL said the he did really well. Maybe I have a little cook on my hands?

  We got home about midnight, I got the kids in bed and of course striped for Master. After Master had browsed the interwebs for awhile and the dog had  sufficiently made his (trying) healing ingrown toenail bleed again, I went and got him a pan to soak his foot in. I finished getting the house closed down for the night and knelt by my now flopped across the bed Master while he read the new book. I love kneeling for him while he pets me. I love just being near him. Kneeling for him and being quiet lets me reflect on the day and reminds me of my place at the same time. Also, being there naked and kneeling makes it so that I am ready for whatever he wants me to do for him.

  All in all we had a really great night. Things are picking up again as far as our M/s relationship goes. We were just not all there for a awhile. I mean the basics were there and we went through our routines but I think we got stuck in a rut. I think that mostly has to do with everyday life happening too. My willingness to serve him no matter what is the only thing that kept me going and not just giving up on the whole thing. I honestly don't think I could ever go back to a totally vanilla lifestyle again anyhow.

  Okay that's all for now I have to go gas up my truck so I can get to work tomorrow. Have a great weekend!
  Not much to talk about lately. Life has been very vanilla. Work, soccer practices, games, bills....you know the everyday stuff.

  We have been working on new backdrops for Master's web comic for a few days now. While we were working the other night my youngest son asked me a question, "Momma, is it romantic to write someones name with your pee in the snow?" Master and I stopped, looked at each other and about died laughing. All the while my son was standing there looking at us like "What?". Out of the mouths of babes.

  Master surprised me with some anal sex last night. It had been awhile and it felt gooooood. We haven't really had any time alone to play the way we want to lately so some things have come to a grinding halt.  The dynamic is still there. He wanted me to be a service slave for him more than anything when we started this anyways. And I LOVE serving my Master, in whatever form he wishes for me to do so. I cook and clean for him. I do his errands, make sure his bills are paid and I am not complaining at all about it. It's what I am here for. It's what he wants me to do. If I could, I would be at his feet all the time waiting for his next command. I belong to him.
 
  Sometimes though, a good beating is all I crave. I try not to complain about it. I try not to even ask for it. He will do it if he wants to. I just can't seem to function sometimes with out one. It centers me, allows me to focus on whatever needs to be done and of course, reminds me of my place. I know it's been a long time, when something as simple as pulling my hair, sends me to subspace. Oh well, I'll get over it.

  In August for my oldest birthday we went and had a camp out at a friends house. After we put all the kids in their tents we had our own "sleep over" with our friends in the house. I love watching Master have his way with another woman and I know he likes to watch me have my way with a women or even a man, but the point of this story is orgasm training. The male half of the other couple and I fucked for a very long time. He refused to get off until I did first (what a guy!). The problem was, was that I couldn't. I couldn't cum even though Master had said that I could before we had gotten there. Master now has me trained to orgasm when he tells me to. I have to hear his voice. I can't just do it anymore, even with prior permission. That, is going to be a big pain in the ass when we go to play at separate houses! I didn't think that it would ever work when he started my orgasm training. I guess I was wrong!

  When Master realized what was happening he leaned over and whispered in my ear "Cum for me baby." That's all it took, I came so hard that I pushed the guy out of me. In the back ground I could hear his wife saying "Holy crap!" or something like that. All I know is that I was a very happy girl!

  That's all I have for now. *KISSES!*

 

 
Master,
I sit and I wait for you to come home.
Nothing seems as important as it should.
The need for you, never subsides.
The day drags by when you are not here.
I need to be at your feet.
I need to kneel for you.
I am not happy, unless I am serving you.
I belong to you.
I live for you.
I am your slave.




Lately , the need to be a full time, at home slave to my Master has been getting worse. So much so that I ache inside. Who knew that this is where I would be in my life 5 years ago? I fought so long and so hard to get away from my ex. To be independent.

Now, all I crave, is to kiss my Master's feet when he comes home. To be ready when he wishes to use me, and to serve him to the best of my ability. I try to be a good pet. Sometimes, it's not so easy.  I know I'm not perfect but I do try. I can be a brat sometimes. Okay, I can be a brat a lot.

I had to do lines the other day because I yelled at him(he got caught in the cross fire of me already mad at the kids). I had to write "I will not disobey my Master." 200 times. Lines suck. Making Master unhappy, sucks even more.

I think right now a lot of my problem is that there hasn't been any "us" time. Either I'm at work for 32 hours at a time or he's working 10's all week and is exhausted by the time he gets home. I think we need a vacation together, soon. I know that's not all of it though. I have been wanting to stay home for a long time. The longer I am his slave, the more I want nothing but.

I know that it's impossible to live naked and chained all the time right now. We have kids, but I'm pretty sure that it's something Master and I both want, in the future. For now, all we can do is wait.

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  I don't have much to say today. I am sad. I made Master mad last night. He told me that I am to be punished but not at that moment. I don't know when or how and I don't like it much. Maybe this is part of it. Sitting and thinking about what I did and whats to come. I know it's not going to be pretty whatever it is. I am going to go back to sulking now, even though I'm not supposed to. I can't help it. I'm sorry Master.

Aug. 28th, 2008

  Well, my mother has gone bat shit insane. But, we all knew she was. The latest news on her is that she canceled my e-mail account. You know, the one attached to all of my on-line accounts.

Ramdom Stuff under here....Collapse )
  That's about it for now. My house is being invaded by the neighbor kids right now so I am going to sign off for now. Have a great day!

 
 
  I heard a rumor on Sunday that they (the people in charge) were going to make everyone change their schedules at work. Also they are going to take the 50 cent bonus that we are supposed to get for being there on time everyday and what not.

 As it was just hearsay at this point, I let it go.

  On Monday I go and ask the person that does the scheduling weather or not it was true. Unfortunatly, it is.

  The 50 cents is supposed to be replaced with a raise for everyone. Okay, thats fine.

  The new schedule changes for anyone not already on that schedule begins on the 1st.

  That means that I have 2 choices. Either switch to the 4 on 2 off rotating or go on call. Everyone at work knows that I can not do the 4 on 2 off.  When I first got there it was the 2 doubles or I can GUARANTEE you that I will call in a whole lot more than I do. Aside from the fact that I don't have 1,200$ a month to pay for daycare.

 I mean, I can do their schedule during the school year as long as it is a day shift but what do they want me to do with the boys during all their holiday vacations and when they get sick? And summer, there is no way that I can do 4 on 2 off. Master has to be to at work by 11 AM in order to get 8 hours, my shift wouldn't end till 2 PM.  My children are too young to stay by them selves for 3 to 4 hours.

  So, I go on call. But because of that, I lose ALL of my benifits. All of my vacation pay, all of my medical, all of my sick pay,disability, EVERYTHING. It also means that my children have no insurance. We were going to put them on mine because Master's is 400$ a month to add just them. Not to mention that going on call means that I may not get ANY work for days or weeks at a time. So there is the threat of no paycheck too.
 
  I went and talked to my DNS and told her that I have to leave there as soon as I found something else. All she could say was that she understood and that she was sorry.

  I have been there forever. In 2 months it will be 4 years. I have been on the 2 doubles the whole time. Do they think that I do them for fun? I hate it, but I do it so I can be home for the boys and still provide something for the family.

  Some of you know that I was going to leave eventually anyway because of my back. But I was not going to leave them hanging when they have so many problems with keeping people anyway. Now, I am just being fucked over.

  There are about 6 people that have different scheduals than the 4 on 2 off. I am going to go the payday meeting on Friday just so I can see who walks out.

  I am beyond pissed. I am hurt and there is nothing that I can do about it. I have to find another job.

  On top of that, the cramps that I thought were long gone, had me curled up in bed crying this morning. Now I won't have the insurance to get the hysterectomy that I need so I can be "normal" again.

  Oh well I guess if it's not on thing it's another.
 
 

The third child in my life........

 Is my mother.

 When Master's car broke down we asked her if we could use her Westbay account if the problem turned out to be the fuel pump. We told her that we just wanted to know now so that if it was the pump we could get the part ASAP instead of having to wait to get it and that we would pay it off on pay day. Okay, no problem.


 So yeah, I'm having fun dealing with a third child in my life. It's SO much fun!

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