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Ramblings...

          It's been what? 3 years since I posted last? Things are different than they used to be, but all together, the same as they ever were. If that makes sense. I'm sitting at my computer, naked, collared, black and blued ass and chained to my lead. Master is asleep. I have been in tears for the last few days, but I'll get to that later.
  
          Master and I are revisiting our M/s, trying to find a happy medium between the faces we have to put on for the world and what we really want our relationship to be.  Most of our friends know about and accept our relationship for what it is. Our family, mine mostly, no, make that my family only, have no clue. At least, I don't discus it with them. If they do know, they think we are odd, or have some kind of issue with it. I mean really, whats the difference between my collar and the fucking TATTOO on my mothers ass that says "Property of (blank)"? *grumbles and curses at the thought of her and leaves that for another post*

        Anyway, like I said we have been trying to figure out where we want to go with it. He has been taking a firmer hand with me again. Which, I will admit, I need. I don't want to be just a "service slave" anymore, with the occasional rough sex thrown in.I want, rather need, to be fully under his control. All aspects of my life in his hand. Only thing that I want on an even level would be the children. And honestly, I'm not even sure about that right now. I'm ready to hand it all over to him to do as he pleases. Yeah, when he gave me his collar, I should have been ready then, and I thought I was. But I fought it. I fought it to the point, that he had given up and let me do what I wanted.Using me when he felt like it. While I still did the day to day things like making his lunch, cooking and what not, I wasn't serving him like I now -know- I want to..

     I know things can't be completely how we want them. We do still have kids at home after all. I think the only thing that I couldn't handle being told/asking to do, is to go to the bathroom. I have some issues in the bladder department that just don't allow me to wait very long. Whatever he decides, I'm ready to give it to him, no matter what it is.

     Back to the crying for the last few days. Mater and I play a game called Second life. He has been playing for  a few years, I on the other hand have only been playing maybe close to two years. If you don't know what it is, it's a role playing game. You make an avatar and you meet people basically. Whatever you are into, SL has it. From BDSM to vampires and zombies. You get to be someone that you aren't for a while. Escape form the real world and have some fun with people you may or may not ever talk to again. Hell some of the avatars look close to real. But sometimes, just sometimes you get to know people. You talk outside of the role play , you laugh and joke, you share things. Sometimes, you even call each other or talk on skype, or whatever you chose to communicate with. And sometimes? You even find yourself making some damn good friends. Even to the point of having feelings for one that you know you shouldn't have, and even as you try to fight it, you end up falling for that person and go to see them for a week across the country.

     Let me back peddle a bit, without going into too much detail. My Master, like I said has been playing SL for years before I got into it. He was "married" to someone on there in one of the sims. While the marriage was not real, his feelings for her, turned out to be very real and I watched his heart break when she suddenly decided to up and leave one day. Now, I'm pretty much going through the same thing. Only, I have actually met the person on the other side of the avatar. I have touched him, inhaled his scent, slept next to him and fucked him six ways till Sunday. Yes, Master knows. No scolding me about all that. We do have an open relationship, as long as he knows and approves of the person, it's all good.

    Now, I know we are 3,000 mile away from each other, far from an ideal situation to have a relationship, but my feelings for him are real none the less. Lately, he has been, at least it feels this way to me, pulling away. He's all but stopped talking to me unless I start the conversation. I know he has been having issues and that his life is upside down right now. But even that I had to pry out of him. The feeling of him pulling away has been going on for the last 6 months. His issues are recent. I have done my best at least till recently to try and not make it a big deal. I am supposed to go out there again in April, I'm not so sure that is going to happen now. It's killing me, feeling like this. I know Master understands how I feel, at least I hope he does.

     The worst part of it, is that I should be perfectly content with just Master and that's fucking with my head as well. I am, in love with him and would do anything in the world for him. I hope he knows that. This whole thing is unfair to him, watching me cry my eyes out over another guy. I didn't mean for this to happen I honestly didn't.

     There are other reasons for my crying, though why so much I'm not honestly sure of. Maybe it's just everything coming to a head all at once. Maybe, I'm in need of something that I can't name right now. Maybe, I just don't know and just need to cry. I'm sure it will stop and the things in my head will straighten out and make sense. Or I'm just crazy, who knows.

*goes onto the next topic*


     One of the sites that we have ordered from several times before had a security breach on their shopping cart check out. Hundreds of account, debit and credit card numbers were stolen, Masters card number,included apparently. We thought we were in the clear since it had happened a month ago. Sunday night we found out otherwise. There was a 172.90$ charge pending on our account, from an online flower shop of all things that neither of us had made.The bank was called, a new card ordered and much swearing occurred. From looking at our account now, the charge has fallen off and strangely a few things that were supposed to go through that were purchases made on my card and not Masters. I guess we'll see what happens.

    My kids, are now 11 and 13. Let me just say that I hate the ages of 11. They turn from sweet helpful children to back talking, mouthy argumentative brats! My oldest and their half brother did the same thing. 13 though, is not much better. I am not loving having a teenager.

    Masters job has been making him have a revolving schedule. Swing, is okay, he misses a few things during the week but he's home at night and we get to sleep till 11 am before he has to go back. Day shift, is okay, he's home at night, doesn't miss so much but we have to get up at 5 am. Grave shift though, I didn't think we would survive it. It was only for 2 weeks, but it felt like an eternity. I didn't sleep the entire time. I can't sleep when he is not home at night. During the day, sure no problem, but at night, not so much. Only, when he is on grave shifts, I have to be up with the kids to keep them quiet. Telling an 11 year old to be quiet in the middle of the day and keeping him that way is impossible. His brother was no help either. Plus he misses EVERYTHING, even on his days off he didn't want to do anything because he had to stay on that schedule to be able to function the next week. He's on days right now. At least for the next month. We'll see what he gets after that. I just know that graves don't work for a family setting.

   Okay enough prattling, I should be in bed. I hope some of this makes sense, I haven't slept yet. Night all.